Happy at last, but still

The morning after getting placed seemed different, not a lot but still. Happy at last, not very sure, had it been CMF things would have been different, but still.
When you want something desperately, the cosmos conspires to give you that. May be, who cares now. Being statistics graduate to not to believe this and the experiences only support. But still, I have all rights to be happy. Where is the job and especially for a fresher like me and specially the one who...leave it.
New Year resolution is that I will spear myself sometimes.
Sipping lemon tea in the canteen, listening to a soft melodious song, going for walks and yes eating out with friends, books – desperate for them, movies – never been interested in them, going at my own pace, anxious for the working life ahead – not really, relationships – fine – have always been casual about some but simultaneously particular about some other.
Sounds boring can’t help it, this is how it is at present, do I care about it, not much, but still.

Null and Void – Panchmarhi – Pandavpur LOL

This is certainly I would not call full of drama, excitement, fun or pleasure and yes realization (not self and thank god for that) but a concoction of all. Just like a concoction of different kinds of Booze (I had realized long before) that leaves you with craziness not a pleasant high, this trip left me with a mixture of moods and someday I might think of deciding upon the percentage of different feelings that I am having at present (but given the passive states that I am in sometimes, I know that this has the least chance of occurring).
The trip made me realize how insecure and insufficient each one of us are, how amazing it feels to be bare sometimes and knowing that you will not be judged for it (but I still don’t display my assets publically). Though I thought that I have been living on my own terms for quite some time now, this trip made me realize how precarious things could be.
But thinking on relative scale I would not call it bad but just pleasant. May be I hate superlatives but aren’t most of us mediocre. Mediocrity kills like a slow poison but who wants to live for his great, great grand children. Live life, party hard and leave a decent body for the funeral... I don’t know how it got stuck to me.

I am

When I think about my days in Patna and now here I feel all the more empowered not just philosophically but in the true sense, or the truest sense if I may say so.

There seems to be just one reason of this... every time I make a conscious decision to do what I do or to not to do what do not do. I choose to read something, I choose to sleep in a lecture, I choose to give a fuck(yes for me fuck is fuck and not f@$# and people close to me know this)about grades in a subject, I choose to burn my ass writing a paper for a paper writing competition, I choose to go walking five miles even if I know that there is an exam tomorrow, I choose to recommend a friend’s name, yes because he is a friend but also because I believe that he is the best suited person for the job. I choose to smile on a sick joke because that would make someone happy. I choose to not to acknowledge the presence of another person because not doing that makes me feel shallow.

Now this can cost you your job darling, so do it at your own risk, I am not sure how it would be six months down the line. Yaar! I also intend to find a decent paying job like you do, but this is how it is at present... call it empowerment, call it dickhead or whatever you may feel like. Do I care...sometimes I choose not to.

And yes that is the kind of person I am

To be or not to be

The question many at times lingers in my mind. To be or not to be, or what could be achieved if you want to be, but still. But do we realize the pain that we take. How many times someone has told you to be yourself, not many to me, may be because we start accepting what is rather than what we want it to be. May be we lack guts, or plain and simple will to do or will to be.

I really feel so nice when I think of that incident. I had gone to Delhi for some work, after doing it I was exploring Paharganj, normally I love to explore places in any city I visit. Saw some travel agencies blaring at my face, Kullu, Manali, Shimla, Dharamshala, Pakistan, Honolulu and what not. At a spur of the moment I thought, what if I run away from this place, to hell with everything, everyone, what the hell, I also have my life, my freedom, my wish and then I don’t know what happened to me, I purchased a ticket for Dharamshala (reason for choosing this was Dalai lama and my fascination towards Tibetan culture). I didn’t know how I would be convincing my parents, but then did I really care at that time. I don’t think so. I wanted to be with myself for a few days and that is it.

For next ten days what happened, rather what I did to myself was the best thing that I have ever done. I wandered in the pine forests for hours, discussed world politics with Israelis, shared a taxi with drug peddlers, slept at a bus stand with tens of other bihari labourers, discussed at length with handloom workers their difficulties, posed for snaps with mom and daughter duo from Switzerland and numerous other things that I have felt or just absorbed. The felling of satiation that you get after doing something you really wanted to do is really unexplainable.

Now to say the least it has been more than a year that I have surprised myself and others too, the level is not yet reached, though it is brimming. So let see.

Cat Race

Its the same time of the year and when i think about how i was feeling last year, i feel that i was no different.Filling up all the forms after undergoing marathon counseling sessions, mailing various people who had a friend's friend studying in some b-school. Researching about various options i had,weighing each one of them but not being able to take a decision.
Now when someone asks my advice, i am at complete loss of words. May be because i am not competent enough or may be because i don't intend to influence anybody somehow anyhow. I don't mind giving advice but the ultimate decision has to be one's own.
IIFM is the best thing that could have happened to me.It might not be having the name and the fame like some other b-schools, but that doesn't make it any less, rather it makes it all the more lucrative to those who hate public glare and are concerned and passionate about their own chosen area.People who have fire in their belly and want to do something unconventional and different from others,not for money or for joining the corporate rat race but to make difference in the lives of many more than that of their own.
IIFM has given me a purpose, shown me a way and sensitized me in the areas about which i had little or no knowledge prior to this.
Thus at this point of time all those who are preparing for numerous entrance exams need to sit down calmly,close their eyes and decide what they need to do.There lie many opportunities ahead and its in their hand to take an informed decision, but mind it decision has to be one's own.